I do not know who I am. But I have been thinking about who I am not.
I am not my grades, my resume, or a performance.
Rather, I am the hours of studying, the procrastination, the routines that turn into late nights, the attempted early mornings, the feeling when my head hits the pillow, the third cup of coffee, the nervousness that sets in before an interview, the distasteful feeling when I have to talk about my 'accomplishments', I am the feeling of awe when I'm listening to someone that inspires me. I am the learning, the experiences between the bullet points and the process before the performance.
I am not a Psychology student, a dancer or a writer. Rather, I am imperfect fragments of all three. I am the footwork that goes off beat, the rough drafts, the chakkars, the scribbles on papers I cannot find, the mistakes, the corrections, the blank sheets of paper, the way my hand moves when my mind is not. I am the seeking, the dancing, the writing.
I am not this piece either.
I am not this piece either because I am not who I say I am, or who I think I am; I am what I practice.
I am not this piece either, but this piece is a piece of me.
I don't know much about you. But I've been thinking about who you are not.
If you are an artist, you are not the applause you hear at the end of a performance. You are what got you to the performance. You are what moves you to sing, or dance, or paint, or play.... you are the play. And the actor. You are not how many people show up, you are who shows up. You are the show even when the show is over.
If you are a scientist, you are not the results your experiment gave us. You are why you conducted it in the first place, you are the feeling that the idea gave you when you first had it. You are all the trials after the errors and in those moments of trying you are error-less.
If you are an artist you are a scientist and if you are a scientist you are an artist.
Even if it’s just in imperfect fragments.
I don’t claim to know either of us too well. This piece is about not knowing. This place is about discovering. Discovering by questioning, challenging and exploring. And by reading this, you have just entered. So welcome. This is our garage. I think together, one piece at a time, we can find our way.
Written by: Ellora Kothare